


Triggers

by ziallsanity



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, M/M, zayn and niall - Freeform, ziall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 06:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5238092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziallsanity/pseuds/ziallsanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall's suicidal,</p><p>While Zayn is in love with Niall.</p><p>Too bad pain is greater than love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Triggers

Constantly living in fear of tomorrow, waking up with no assurance of when will that never ending pain will stop. The pain that triggered fear inside you, corrupting you as a whole especially your mind to the point that it affects you entirely. Eating the genuine 'you' and leaving no remnants of what you were before that fear slowly eaten and corrupted you as a whole. Staring at the mirror looking at yourself with nothing but the thought circling your mind that you were now just a hollow presence, you have a shell but you're empty inside. And it frustrates and angers you, it frustrates you because you want to feel complete again, you want the old 'you', you want to be happy again and it angers you now because you can't. Your fear took that from you, your capability to be happy, to live 'normal'. The anger inside you had to be tamed and you find that blade, the shiny tempting blade that drove yourself to pick it up, and then you snap. Lashing out that anger in your pale and lifeless arm, that's when you realize you’re angry at yourself.

Niall lives like that.

He wanted to blame everyone for being like that, no scratch that, there was one person solely responsible for this.

He always come home being scolded for something he didn't do or something he didn't intentionally do but eventually did because of that circumstances he had to consider and situation he was facing though he knew the consequences and was perfectly aware that it wouldn't affect anyone. He knew he had to responsible for any of his actions so there's that. But no, he had to be scolded and when he dares to speak up even a single word, a stinging and burning slap will meet his cheek. Then, he has to endure his incredulous speech on how he's been disrespectful that after all he's done for him he's just going to disrespect him. Not only that, it was going to be followed how he expresses his regret to bringing him into this world. How he was so unlucky and he will stop halfway, he will stop because he's so infuriated and he looks at him with dark and terrifying gaze. He'll start hitting him, no matter how he tried to defend himself by blocking certain parts of his body, he'll just pry his arms away to unveil that part and he delivers a massive blow that sent him whimpering and made his face distort in pain. Niall accepted all the beatings, crying to himself and wondering how he would protect himself from that monster...that monster he call his father.

And one day, it just dawned on him. He was so tired and wanted to bid farewell to everything, so he did what he had to do. In a cluttered mind, wobbly legs and trembling fingers, he secretly locked himself in the bathroom. With his trembling fingers, he desperately searched for that tiny key to his escape. And he found it, shimmering under the light of the bathroom. With his last word as, "Finally.." 

He slashed his forearm, making the deepest cut he has ever done with a satisfied and genuine smile in his lips. The only thought running in his mind was, how he was going to escape this place he has now considered as hell, how he was finally going to be free in the other world without his devil of a father stunting him from his happiness.

The cut bled, secreting the familiar dark red blood that gave a weird color by topping and forming a layer above his pale skin. His vision started to lose clarity, his body becoming weaker and his mind slowing down its operations. It didn’t take long for him to feel the heaviness on his eyelids that gave him the urge to sleep and instead of fighting that urge, he gave in. He succumbed to the slumber that was invading his body, his eyes fluttering for a few seconds before finally clenching shut.

•

Zayn never thought there was going to be a day that he was going to face the worst scene he never expected. He had planned everything today. He had planned to ask Niall out and said everything he has kept bottled over the years. He was planning to confess his feelings for his best friend during a dinner he had invited Niall with.

He was nervous and anxious thinking how Niall would respond to him but he set those negative feelings aside and mustered his courage to call him on his phone. The phone rang, but no one answered. He kept dialing but after for what felt like a hundred call no one still answered. Concern and worry took over Zayn’s mind, so without further ado, he ran to Niall’s home. He knew the consequences of barging into Niall’s home. Niall took him to his home one time, though when they were inside Niall’s father called him up and let’s just say curiosity killed the cat and Zayn followed Niall to his father’s office. He heard a noise that was similar to a slap, followed by a silent whimper. He was fast to join the puzzles and with Niall’s father scolding Niall, it only solidified his theory.

Niall never brought Zayn to his home again, and when they tried the other way with Niall going to Zayn’s home. That night, Niall called him crying. That stroke a fear to Zayn’s body and he asked Niall why he was crying. The boy was quick to shook the topic off saying he just needed someone to talk to. Zayn didn’t push the question further and asked him what he wanted to talk about. Niall opened up though vaguely, he started off by saying, “I can’t handle any more of this, Zaynie.” Then, Niall broke into a fit of cries, and it took merely half an hour for Zayn to calm him down. They spent the whole night talking to each other.

When they both went to school together while Zayn held Niall’s hand, he suddenly caught glimpse off Niall’s wrist when Niall’s loose sleeve slid down a bit and it was filled with fresh wounds and some were just scars but the fresh wounds over numbered the scars. Zayn halted for a moment which made Niall stop as well. He wanted to cry because Niall doesn’t deserve any of those, he was already being hurt by somebody else and now he’s hurting himself too? It was too much and that moment Zayn wished he could take away the pain but he chose the unbearable for the sake of Niall, he chose to be silent.

Zayn knew the brief of history of the abuse Niall’s been receiving from his father, although he wanted to protect Niall in some sort of way he can’t because if he ever brought the topic up, Niall will find out that he knows and he was so afraid that Niall will stay away from him after that because Niall tends to do that, he knew he’ll feel embarrassed and scared that he will look at him differently now.

 

Zayn barged into Niall’s home, the door opened by a maid working for Niall. He pushed pass the maid and rummage to Niall’s room, even though he’s only been there once, Niall showed him his room. And he remembered where it was, so when he reached the door, he knocked. But no one answered.

Zayn knocked again until he’s grown impatient only to grab the door’s handle with force, and the door swung open. He stumbled inside and while on his knees and hands, he scanned the inside of the room, spotting a door inside the room. He risked his hope and guess, and ran towards the door.

The door was locked and Zayn was too angry and worried that he had no choice but kicked the door open, it didn’t work at first but he kept on trying. Then, the door swung open.

He saw drop lets of blood splattered on the bathroom’s floor and Zayn’s fear and worry spiked to the roof, even though it was slowly becoming unbearable Zayn’s feet kept taking steps until he caught sight that he wished for the heavens to be erased from his line of memory and vision.

Zayn’s gaze fell upon Niall who was lying in the middle of the bathroom, his arm cut open whilst bleeding. Zayn felt his knees become weak but he remained his composure to barely even stand before rushing to his best friend lying unconscious on the floor.

He picked him up in his arms and dashed outside of the room, he called on whoever was inside to help him and call the ambulance. Nobody listened to him regardless of his screams and yells, so he ran outside while cursing at them. He temporarily used one arm to hold Niall’s still sleeping body as he hailed for a taxi.

The ride to the hospital was pure torture. Zayn was forced to stare at Niall’s sleeping form with his forearm still cut open and bleeding. He couldn’t bear to witness it anymore so he took his handkerchief and used it to cover the wound.

 

They’ve arrived at the hospital and the staff asked Zayn to lay Niall down on the stretcher as they took care of him.

Hesitantly, Zayn laid Niall down before he sat to the side, waiting for the doctors to update him about Niall’s condition.

He prayed to anyone who’s listening for him to save his best friend, it wasn’t Niall’s time yet. No, he has a long way down the road. He haven’t even told him how he truly feels about him, how he was so enamored and so deeply in love with Niall and everything about him. How he was so perfect, and one time he thought how was it even possible that the gods’ were able to create a creature so perfect like Niall. And he began to consider Niall as a gift, a gift that should be taken care of and-no it wasn’t because he’s a gift. If you ever get to know Niall, there’s this need that slowly grows on you that you want to protect him in every way.

_Niall, please come back._

Now, Zayn took the seat beside Niall’s bed, the blonde boy lying unconscious with all the machines connected to his body while his wound had layers of bandage securely wrapped around it. He was so pale and… lifeless.

Zayn’s fingers were shaking when he intertwined them with Niall’s, the barrier that was restraining him to cry just broke and fell apart thus tears were streaming down his eyes dripping onto his and Niall’s hand.

“Why…why do you keep hurting yourself? Don’t you know how it hurts me as well, Ni?”

“That every cut you have keeps me awake at night. It keeps me awake and it makes me cry… because I couldn’t stop you from doing it. I’m worthless, I know. I was the only one you have yet I couldn’t even help you but Ni…”

“I would have helped you. If only, if only you let me love you then maybe…maybe you can learn to love yourself.”

“That maybe, if you let me love you, you can open up to me and I’ll be your anchor. I’ll stop those triggers better yet, I’ll take you away from those triggers. I’ll take the pain for you, Ni. No matter how unbearable it will be as long as you’re not the one hurting, I’m willing. That’s how much I love you.”

“But, I failed again. I wasn’t able to confess my feelings and I hate myself for not doing so. It’s been so long, Ni. I’m in love with you for so long yet I couldn’t do anything. You were in pain while I remained silent.”

“So wake up, Ni. Wake up and give me the chance to finally say it to you, wake up and let me tell you that I love you. Wake up and be with me, please.”

 

 

But there was a beep that rang inside the room.

_The line went flat._


End file.
